Goals. Today I realized that I am addicted to just doing with no real reason. Organizing and planning may not always go the way we imagine in our minds but it is a useful strategy for clearing some things out of the way. But organization and planning are only valuable if you put in the work.
Ok..I admit it. I’m lazy. I don’t like that I have to publicly admit that but I think it is probably the best thing for me to do is just be honest. I’m so lazy I often fail to read an entire sentence. In the past I just kind of guesstimated and usually I was more accurate than not.
Friday I opened a drawer in my kitchen and it was filled with useless crap. I opened a cabinet and looming over me were it felt like a sea of seasonings. Who the hell needs 8 pepper grinders? Apparently I need 8 pepper grinders but I don’t even cook like that to need that much pepper.
I buy food without any idea of how I am going to use it. I have more than my fair share of tuna cans and foodie nick nacks. I felt so ashamed when I realized I had at least 5 containers of oat meal and 8 different boxes or containers of grits.
Looking at my shelves clearly I am either a really disorganized doomsday preper or just really in love with filling spaces with shit I don’t need, don’t want and will never use. My time clearing the clutter of food stuff was therapeutic and numbing.
I’ve been purchasing and storing aka hoarding. I don’t know how to feel. I thought mindfulness meant I didn’t do things but I realize mindfulness allows me to see the things that I do. As I tossed away expired items, half eaten and forgotten items I felt freer but I felt more ashamed too.
This stuff was taking up space. All the food that I had burrowed away was acting like some security blanket. I’ve always had all my needs met. I didn’t grow up missing a meal. I didn’t grow up having to worry about what I was going to eat ever. But I did grow up with a lot of stuff and sometimes too much stuff. As I look around my kitchen cabinets, refrigerator and pantry I realize I am filling these spaces to avoid the space feeling empty.
Six bags later…I get it.
I’m scared. I’m lonely. I’m surrounded by open space and that makes me feel empty. I’m wasting money and standing in my own way when I buy things I don’t need and life can be crowded when filled with things that serve no purpose.